back home

Gopi is back home today.
The kids were real glad to see her (they hadn't seen her since she was admitted to the hospital ; the hospital wanted to take precautions in case her illness was infectious).

they postponed her lung biopsy.

She sees the cancer specialist on thursday and he will decide.

the next round?

So, Gopilila's been in the hospital for the last few days.

They did a CT scan on her yesterday. I spoke to the doctor about the results.
He said that what the docs in India suspected as metastasis (cancer spread) to the Liver, they read as cysts.

However, the new scan makes them suspect metasis to the lung!!! They will be doing a test tomorrow which invovles sticking a tube down her mouth to her lungs to extract some of the suspected cancer for a biopsy....

more of Radhanath Maharaj’s conversation with Gopilila

I was in the hospital today and I asked Gopilila what she remembered from our visit with Maharaj in Mumbai.

1. Maharaj said that he was proud of her for her resilience through the difficulties that she has been experiencing.
2. He told her that she was a good mother and that she has raised two beautiful children.
3. He said that Mother Kunti (from N V) was an example of not only how to die, but also how to live.
4. Our bodies ultimately belong to Sri Krishna.
5. She (Gopilila) may outlive us or may go before us...
6. Everyone has to die. However, she is more consciously facing it at present. Death is in the foreground for her , but in the background for everyone else.

Chowpatty revisited

I wanted to share some memories of our short stay at Sri Sri Radha Gopinath Mandir.

We spent about three days there and in truth it all went so fast - with the mad rush of packing our stuff and getting ready to move across the world, and more importantly checking Gopi out of the hospital after having spent two months there. Devotees who have visited there know how incredibly well organized the temple and ashram are.
The temple room itself is splendid and it reminds me of Prabhupada's palace in some ways - very grand and regal. The temple is now air conditioned*! especially for the classes and kirtans (when it gets packed). We were put up in a very nice guest room (also air conditioned*) situated right next to Vrindavan Forest - a garden in the temple complex with a nice seating area that is very chill.
*air conditioning, while common in the US is not a staple in India. many restaurants even have separate air conditioned and non air conditioned sections.

The best is the Govinda's restaurant -with a wood fired pizza oven from Italy! Anyways, a menu with varieties of pizza and dosas and you have my soul sold out!
It was a great to meet Gaur Nitai, his wife Guna and son Balagopal there. We got to spend some time together. Also, Bankim Raya Das from who I last saw in Columbus two years or so ago before he moved to Chowpatty and joined the ashram.
Well, Radha Gopinath Mandir is synonymous with Radhanath Maharaj and we were so fortunate that Maharaj was there when we visited. I met Maharaj at lunch the day after we got in ( we got in about 7 pm the previous evening) and he asked me about Gopi. He invited us to his room that evening.
Maharaj was as wonderful as ever and he spent a lot of time listening to Gopi's health while keeping Vrinda and Gopal amused. He invited us to spend as much time at the ashram there and told Gopilila that she could receive treatment at the Bhaktivedant hospital, too. Maharaj was very loving to her and told her that he was concerned for her and was thinking about her and praying for her everyday. He instructed her to pray to Sri Krishna saying that her life was His and that He could do whatever He wanted with it. Maharaj said that in this way that she would be very Krishna conscious and that if she left the world now she would go Home and if her health regained she would still be in a very good consciousness ( I hope this is close to what he said - my kali yuga memory is my cheap copout). We spent quite some time in Maharaj's room and them he gave us some nice prasad in neat little boxes (the prasad - sweets- were really good).
The day that we were leaving we got to see Maharaj again and he was really encouraging Gopilila and told her that he was praying for her. Just when we were all set to leave he had his servant bring us two little bottles of ayurvedic medicine, which he asked Gopi to take twice a day. Maharaj then showed up at our room and told Gopi to take the medicines and that he would send her more if she needed it. He then walked with us to the waiting vehicle....

back in the USA

So, after two years, we are back in the US. The trip back was smooth or so it seemed. However, the last week has been whacked. I never been so jet lagged in my life...
We are now at Gopi's folks in Woburn, MA ( near Boston) - nice suburban existence.
Anyways, a couple of days after we got back Gopi had some cough symptoms. We took her in to the hospital and they diagnosed her with pneumonia. They gave her some meds and drips and kept her in because her blood count was low. Yesterday, they gave her two pints of blood. She had a CT scan done today.

at Chowpatty

We are at Radha Gopinath Mandir at Chowpatty. It is amazing how this ashram has transformed since the last time I was here 5 years ago. It is a little oasis here - like being in Vrindavan.
Last evening we had a nice darshan with Radhanath Maharaj. Maharaj spent quite some time with us and spoke such loving, encouraging to Gopi and myself (and the kids).
We leave tomorrow.

rembering Bhakta Seva

I got an email saying that a couple of days ago has been one year since Bhakta Seva's memorial. My first service when I came to New Vrindavan was to assist with the cows and Bhakta Seva was a larger than life presence around them, especially the calves. He was like a mother to the calves - feeding them with a big milk bottle. I can still picture him in my mind's eye.....moving about the calves and showering them with so much love and attention. His other services at that time, and for many years, till he moved to the apartments were cooking the evening offering on thursdays (I think)and dressing Prahlad Maharaj. The evening offereing was a treat, especially the kachoris and the dahi vadas (many a brahmacaris -of my peers atleast- downfall). I remember that he cared for the cows and anyone who took care of the cows so much that he would cook extra kachoris and save them for the cowherders.......
Anyways, Bhakta Seva was a sweet guy and very affectionate, yet he was a pretty private person. The last time I saw him was when I was in New Vrindavan in August 2005 on my way to China. I chatted with him through his window and he shared some bread.
Hare Krishna!

checking out (of the hospital)

We all have to check out sometime, but right now, Gopi is getting ready to check out of the hospital. she (and Gopal, Vrinda and I) have spent 62 days in the hospital!!!
Gopi stepped outside for the first time this evening. We went to a little veg restaurant across the street and she gorged on a veg burger and fries. I had to caution her not to overeat!! especially since she has been eating bland food since she has been in the hospital.
So, she checks out tomorrow. The day after we head to Mumbai, where we hope to stay at the Chowpatty ashram for a couple of days and then head west - to MA, USA - to mom and dad head (Gopi's).
It is going to be interesting . We have been away from the US for two years! We spent a year in China and a year in India. Maybe, that explains why she has been so ill!!
The flight to the US is going to be intense, so wish us well.
Radhe Radhe!

end of part two

Gopi was done with the last of her radiations yesterday. She is in better spirits now that the whole thing is done. now we have to wait and see. In a month's time we will know if things are really in remission or not.
Hopefully, we will check out of the hospitalin a day or two.

While her spirits are good, she is still in pain and has to take pain meds.

we have to see what other surprises the good Lord has lined up for us...

that queasy feeling

I still have this queasy feeling that things may not be right....well obviously they are not considering that Gopi's in the hospital etc, but after all these weeks of treatment and the docs saying that she has responded positively etc there is still the unresolved issue of her liver.
The biopsy that was done was inconclusive and inadequate and we decided to wait on doing another one. So, though Gopi has responded to her treatment of the cervix area, we are still in the dark about the condition of her liver. As far as treatment goes, allopathically atleast, there is only more intense chemotherapy (if her suspected condition is confirmed). For the last day Gopi has been complaining of pains in her abdominal area and I keep wondering if it is her liver or just the residual of all the radiation that she has received........
One positive though is that her appetite is gradually improving. she seems to be eating more every day. During the first five weeks of treatment I had to literally coax her to eat, now I don't.
She also has been walking down the hall and getting some exercise, but she has pretty restless nights...

Shanti

the future is uncertain, but the end is always near

Even though I am not personally experiencing the illness (es) that Gopi has been undergoing, in some way, since I have had a close proximity to the going ons, I feel like a veteran of sorts on the process of disease and death.
One thing I have realised is how helpless we are. We can hope for the best and be optimistic etc. but even the docs and everyone else can't say for certain what's going to happen.
The most powerful thing that one can do is pray and surround oneself with prayer and well wishes.
It has been a learning experience to see the fear and despair that disease brings to oneself and one's loved ones.
It is also good to resolve any unresolved issues/conflicts etc in case on has to make a quick exit...

Part 2

Yesterday, Gopi had the first of her last two radiations. She had a week break after the first 5 week session. The doctors moved up this session a week. They say she has responded favorably to the treatment so far.
So, yesterdays treatment was internal and more focussed on the tumor as opposed to the last five weeks which were external and over a general area. However, after the treatment Gopi was really tired and sore and has been so since. we have one more week and then another dose of the same thing.
As things look now, we are planning on returning to the US the end of the month. This will give Gopi a chance to rest and recuperate at her folks.

its been three days

Its been three days since Gopi finished her last treatment. One of the effects of the radiation to her abdominal area is that her skin has turned blackish and sore. some of the skin has peeled and she is in pain.
However, on the positive side, a bit of color has returned to her face. She is moving about a bit and her appetitie is a bit better than over the last few weeks - all good signs. The doc did an examination yesterday and says that there has been some improvement in her condition too.
The lastest is that her last two treatments may start next week.

end of part 1

Gopi finished the last of her radiations yesterday (5 weeks). what a relief! we are so glad that it is done and I must say that by the support and prayers of our wishers it went by quite quickly. She is still weak and tired, but the doctors say that things should improve now that the treatment is over. She has a two week break after which she will be re-examined and then she will be scheduled for two more radiations (focussed internally). This will be based on the results of the examination i.e. if the cancer has responded to the treatment.