I endorse....

So, in the seemingly charged political arena that is soon to come to an end, we have had many prominent politicians and public figures endorsing their favorite candidates. So,while folks are offering their political endorsements, I figured that in the enduring debate as to who offers a better operating system (Macs vs Windows), I would like to my endorsement at this time. I endorse Ubuntu
http://www.ubuntu.com/

Seriously, I was always interested but intimidated by the Linux system thinking that you have to be computer literate (with regards to programming, not checking email and surfing), however, a couple of months ago, my computer was crashing and my friend turned me on to Ubuntu - a completely free operating system. In of itself, that is no big deal (except if you are using a bootlegged windows or have to pay $400 for a new version), but it is the excitement of being part of this whole new world that is charming. Not only, is the ubuntu operating system worked on (mostly voluntary, I presume) using contributions from all over the place, there is a whole slew of software that is also made available for free that you can just download of the internet.
Well, there is actually a lot more I can say about this, but I will desist.

Nose picking music

I'd like to clarify that I do like blue grass music. I love the rhythm of it, the folksiness of it; and I love the banjo. Interestingly, I found out that the banjo has it's roots in Africa and the African American diaspora. My first intro to bluegrass was at the Telluride bluegrass festival, CO in the early ninetees. It was a pretty magical experience. I am not sure if it is just nostalgia for a time gone past, including the fact that I was single and free, not a care in the world; the intoxication of youth. Anyways, it felt like a magical time then, it still feels so now. One of the performers I saw there was Bela Fleck (and the flecktones) a wonderful Banjo player who I hear may be recording with Karnam.
I enjoy bluegrass and so did Gopi.
Anyways, one day a couple of months ago, Gopal, Vrinda and I were driving in Burlington, MA listening to the radio and some bluegrass music was on. Gopala, I think it was, asked if it was bluegrass music playing, i said yes. He said , "Oh! Then pick your nose". So, naturally, while Vrinda and he proceeded to pick their nose to the rhythm of the song, I asked him who had told him so and he replied "Maia"(his and Vrinda's way of adressing their mother). Needless to say I was touched by the experience - hearing him share what his mother had told him (and his sister) and them sharing it with me so soon after her passing away. After Gopi's passing away, I was interested in being able to relate to her loss in a natural way - accept the reality of it and cherish the wonderful times. This incident revealed to me that it could be done.  So, everythime since, when we hear some bluegrass music we smile at each other and pick our noses to the rhythm. Yes, the key is to pick to the rhythm. (For those interested in this sacred tradition: You can use the same finger for both hands or do a simultaneous double picking. i recommend using the pinky. Yeah, Sri Krishna can lift Govardhan hill with his pinky with the ease with which i pick my nose to bluegrass with my pinky.)

minefield

So, Gopala, Vrinda and I are continuing our sojourn in this world. Towards the end of June, we came to California to visit my sister's. I have a couple of sisters who live in the Bay area, south of San Francisco. They both have sons about Gopala's age. We have been staying with my sister Meena and her family. It has been really good for the kids and I to be here.
While we have been here we went to the Ratha Yatras in San Francisco and LA and met with many of the local devotees including expat NV devotees, Bhim and Jen, Indra and KD.
While things have been going on, life has been progressing in a sort of vacuum from my (our) loss. My internal state is like a minefield - from afar things look fine, but at any moment I can step on something that triggers intense feelings of separation and pain.
There is a really nice congregation of devotees here in San Jose; a wonderful community of very sincere vaishnavas headed by Vaisesika das, a senior Prabhupada disciple who is quite an inspiration. Gauranga Kishore (another NV expat) lives at the temple in San Jose and it has been really wonderful to have his association. Also, Ananta Govinda (another NVite) lives in the area with his wife.
The only thing that I can think of in relation to my loss is that we need to treasure our time with each other in this ephemeral world - learn to live and care for each other and try to make some significant progress in our internal journey home.

the pain lingers

It has been such a short while since my dear wife left this world. Ever since her passing, I have kept myself busy. Even though there was pain and sadness from not having her around, we had the funeral/cremation, a wonderful visit to New Vrindavan and Gita Nagari, a short visit to Vraj (in PA) and then we returned "home", a place where we have been since october last. However, coming back here has had its intense moments. After all, it is Gopilila's parent's home, a house where she spent some of her formative years (her folks have lived here for 30 years), a home where "we" spent about 7 months as a family, and a home where she left her body. Yes, there are memories floating around.
I want to thank everyone who has stayed up with the blog - silent or not. Really, it is your well wishes and prayers for my departed wife and "remaining" family that I crave. However, words of support and encouragement are like icing on the cake. My request is that if anyone has some memories of her - fond or not - that they share them. I would like to collect them so that if the kids want to know something about her, in the future, they can read some remembrances of her. You can either write them here, or if you want you can email them to me.
So, the house here is filled with memories. Also, there are a lot of her crafts around too. Gopilila went to the Rhode Island School of Design (RISD) for about three years and then did a semester in France, too. There are a few of her ceramics - vases and bowls - and paintings around the house. Also, she was a knitter. She made a few teddy bears in the last months - she gave one to her mother and each of her children. Seeing some of her work around the house are a combination of sweetness and pain.
Yes, I am hankering from the separation of a mortal body in a mortal world. It makes me reflect on the hankering of the goswamis from separation with Sri Krishna. I feel my pain and sadness deep in my heart; I sometines feel that it must be like a minute particle of goswamis separation from the Lord.
I am hoping that the passing days, time, will help heal my sadness. I am hopeful that I will slowly see her departure with joy - that she is free from the encumbrances of this body that was causing her so much pain, that she is in a better place, better situated to serve the Lord and His associates, and that she has progressed further on her path back home.

Gopilila's time in this body has ended...

Dear devotees and friends,
As you may know Gopilila left this world Tuesday, may 6, 2008 at about8.15 pm. By Sri Krishna's arrangement there were several devotees chanting for her and we built it to a crescendo with a nice kirtan. We chanted for her till about midnight, when the funeral home came and picked her up Before they took her body away, a few of the devotees bathed her and dressed her in a nice sari, decorated her body with tilak and we had a kirtan till the body was taken away.
Her cremation is on Friday, May 9th at 10 am. Please try and remember her at this hour wherever you are...
thank you for all the prayers and support.

the final stretch...?

so, we got the results of Gopi's scan a few days ago. The word is that the pill (Tarceva) that she was on for the last couple of months has not worked. Contrary, to what was understood based on the xrays, the more comprehensice CT scan revealed that the cancer has continued to grow in her left lung, has moved into her right lung, lymps and adrenals.So, the doctors have stopped her treatment. They think that she has about a month.

a day at a time

Gopilila's health has been fairly steady. She has her days of intense pain, where she is so extremely uncomfortable inspite of the pain killers. Somedays are quite nice, where for most of the day the pain seems "comfortable". However, in the last couple of weeks, she has noticed that there is a lump (in the lymph node) under her left chin; she has also a small lump on her breast. She was really week and her blood count was low. So, she went into the hospital for a couple of pints of blood last saturday. A couple of days ago she had a CT scan done to figure out the "new" lumps. We see her doctor on 4/24 so we'll have more news then (including the results of the CT)
This nice devotee from the Boston temple, Radha Grace, came by the last two weeks with her massage table and gave Gopilila a massage. The Boston Temple president, Daru Krishna, and his family have been coming over once a week with prasad along with another devotee family. The devotees in the Boston sangha have been reaching out to us and offering assistance, even though we barely know them.
We connected again with Angie/Analakshita and Mohan and got to spend some time with them over the last couple of weeks, too. Gopala was especially happy to see Mohan his buddy from his New Vrindavan days.

the show must go on

Hope that you all are well...
Gopilila's health has shown no improvement. However, according to the latest xray, things (the cancer) has slowed down. So, this may be the result of the new medication (Tarceva) that she has been on, or the cumulative effect of the various therapies that she has been undergoing.
Last week she had a cold and cough, but fortunately that seems under control (the mercy of antibiotics). However, her pain levels over the last couple of days seems to be worse. In my unscientific way, I gauge her condition based on how much pain she is in - less pain, things are ok; more pain, things are getting worse (though this could just be that her body has acclimatized to the pain killers and she needs a higher dosage). Anyways, a little flag kind of goes up when she cringes in pain and she has been doing that a bit more than usual of late. She also seems to have a few more emotional breakdowns (though not everyday/regularly) and so today we have an appointment with a Psycho - oncologist (http://www.massgeneral.org/cancer/locator/search_clinician.asp?id=348) . I think that it will be good for her. She saw a psycho- oncologist when she was receiving treatment in India as well and it seemed to help her.
Yesterday, we went to see a traditional tibetan doctor, Dr. Bhutti, http://www.tibetanherbalmedicine.com/. She was really nice. Let's see...

Shanti Shanti Shanti!

keeping on

So, things have been quiet, relatively, at this end. Gopilila's health has not really improved; it has been pretty much the same- bouts of pain once in a while, tiredness and fatigue. at least, she does not seem to be nauseated lately. She has been blessed with visits of Rasa, Asta Sakhi and Rukhmavati, and Krishna Balaman with his parents KM and KB. Devotee visits and calls have been encouraging.
She has been getting different kinds of medicines and healing - some qi gong, acupuncture and Tui Na, tongren (which is like medical faith healing http://www.yinyanghouse.com/tongren/tamhealing_tongren_introduction )
and energy healing. She seems to be appreciating these different healings and treatments and they have had a positive effect on us.
A little bit of this and a little bit of that.

the existentialist

So, earlier this week we met with Gopilila's new doctor - Dr Richard Penson (http://www.massgeneral.org/cancer/care/adult/gyn/team_clinician.asp?id=192/) - a really easy going, friendly person and very straightforward. He told us that Gopilila's condition was erally beyond cure. However, he put her on this pill called "Tarceva" that has been used in similar conditions of metastasis - from female abdominal cancer to the lungs, but not specifically from cervical cancer to the lungs. He said that as things stand she had a few months at the most, but if the new drug worked for her it could potentially give her a few more months. Side effects of Tarceva are diarrhea, acne/rash on the face, some nausea ... Considering that we don't really have many choices, we readily accepted what he had to offer. She started taking the pill a few days ago.
In the meantime, she has also had a couple of rounds of acupuncture and a friend of a friend of Manjari Lila's came over yesterday and gave her some Reiki.
We had a wonderful visit from Malati Prabhu a few days ago and some devotees from the Boston temple stopped by for a visit too.

Meeting with the doc

Yesterday, Gopilila and I met with her oncologist, Dr. Arlan Fuller (http://www.dfhcc.harvard.edu/membership/member-profile/member/688/0/) . He felt that there is no current treatment protocols that can address Gopilila's condition. He suggested stopping the chemo (because her cancer had grown through the first two rounds of chemo) and he did not suggest raditation. He felt that any intervention would cause more harm than good (she may lose the little reasonable health that she has). He felt that she had a few months left.... at the most.
We asked him about any experimental treatments that might be available. He referred us to his colleague, who we hope to meet next week, to see if she can qualify for a clinical trial on a biological agent (some kind of pill) that is being experimented on.

out of the hospital

Gopilila got out of the hospital yesterday. She was glad to get back home and so were the kids and I. It snowed last night and she was out there playing in the snow and making a big snow ball. Today she played in the snow with Gopala and Vrinda. We are trying to appreciate her company and make the time we have together meaningful.
There seems to be an underlying sadness to everything that we are doing now - for Gopilila's folks and myself. I find myself getting edgy and more irritable than usual.
Gopi looks much better than when she went to the hospital. Then again, six pints of blood should make just about anyone look better.
The folks from the hospice came by today to give us some info about what they have to offer. according to the nurse, hospice services are usually offered to those who have six months or less left.
Seeing Gopilila's progressive illness makes me remember Kunti Prabhu's return to New Vrindavan and how she left so gloriously. It was quite magically. She was so immersed in Krishna consciousness. I am realizing that while getting entrance into Sri Krishna's pastimes is our goal, it is certainly not an easy feat.

the razor's edge

Gopilila is still in the hospital. She has been in since Friday (Jan 11th). The doctors have not been able to figure out what has caused her fevers, which have been on and off for the last few days. They did find out that she was really anemic and so they have given her about 6 pints of blood. They have tried to get her other levels in order - potassium etc. They did a CT scan on her and what they found out is that her cancer has grown. Apparently two masses have grown and merged (become one!) and the cancer is growing into her ribs. Basically, the doctors have given up on any hope for her improvement. We will be meeting with her oncologist on monday to see what options are left, but the docs don't seem to think there are any. Western medicine has been able to help people in various conditions, but it seems that with regards to cancer, especially late stage (as in Gopilila's case), they don't seem to have much ideas as to what to do.
So, we are embarking on the remarkable path of trying to fight the disease (not give up hope) and yet prepare for the inevitable...

a time to wake up

So, Gopilila is back in the hospital. She finished her second week of treatment. She had four days of treatment starting Monday. Today, she was given a shot - neu laseter- to help her white blood count. This was given at the end of the last round of chemo, too. While we were at the hospital they noticed that she was running a fever - 102.9 and so the doctor suggested we take her to the hospital to see why she was running a fever. They wanted to be able to observe her. She will be in for a day or more depending on her condition.
I spoke with her doctor a couple of days ago. In plain words he said that he was not considering a cure, just to be able to try and control the disease and give her comfort with good pain relief. He said that she had a 50 % chance of improvement. He also mentioned that he has seen people in similar conditions have improvements in health. So, dear friends, please keep her in your prayers.

the two krishnas

We were blessed with a visit from the two Krishnas (Krishna Balaram and his sister Krishna Priya) a couple of days ago. The drove down from New York. It was so wonderful seeing them. It has been at least a couple of years.
Gopilila's condition has been more or less the same. She throws up if she doesn't take her nausea meds (this we were warned is a side effect of the chemo) and she is still in a lot of pain. She does not have much of an appetitie either. She starts her next round of chemo on the 7th of this month.
Hope that y'all, you'ns, yous have a wonderful new year ahead.
Hare Krishna!