Nose picking music

I'd like to clarify that I do like blue grass music. I love the rhythm of it, the folksiness of it; and I love the banjo. Interestingly, I found out that the banjo has it's roots in Africa and the African American diaspora. My first intro to bluegrass was at the Telluride bluegrass festival, CO in the early ninetees. It was a pretty magical experience. I am not sure if it is just nostalgia for a time gone past, including the fact that I was single and free, not a care in the world; the intoxication of youth. Anyways, it felt like a magical time then, it still feels so now. One of the performers I saw there was Bela Fleck (and the flecktones) a wonderful Banjo player who I hear may be recording with Karnam.
I enjoy bluegrass and so did Gopi.
Anyways, one day a couple of months ago, Gopal, Vrinda and I were driving in Burlington, MA listening to the radio and some bluegrass music was on. Gopala, I think it was, asked if it was bluegrass music playing, i said yes. He said , "Oh! Then pick your nose". So, naturally, while Vrinda and he proceeded to pick their nose to the rhythm of the song, I asked him who had told him so and he replied "Maia"(his and Vrinda's way of adressing their mother). Needless to say I was touched by the experience - hearing him share what his mother had told him (and his sister) and them sharing it with me so soon after her passing away. After Gopi's passing away, I was interested in being able to relate to her loss in a natural way - accept the reality of it and cherish the wonderful times. This incident revealed to me that it could be done.  So, everythime since, when we hear some bluegrass music we smile at each other and pick our noses to the rhythm. Yes, the key is to pick to the rhythm. (For those interested in this sacred tradition: You can use the same finger for both hands or do a simultaneous double picking. i recommend using the pinky. Yeah, Sri Krishna can lift Govardhan hill with his pinky with the ease with which i pick my nose to bluegrass with my pinky.)

minefield

So, Gopala, Vrinda and I are continuing our sojourn in this world. Towards the end of June, we came to California to visit my sister's. I have a couple of sisters who live in the Bay area, south of San Francisco. They both have sons about Gopala's age. We have been staying with my sister Meena and her family. It has been really good for the kids and I to be here.
While we have been here we went to the Ratha Yatras in San Francisco and LA and met with many of the local devotees including expat NV devotees, Bhim and Jen, Indra and KD.
While things have been going on, life has been progressing in a sort of vacuum from my (our) loss. My internal state is like a minefield - from afar things look fine, but at any moment I can step on something that triggers intense feelings of separation and pain.
There is a really nice congregation of devotees here in San Jose; a wonderful community of very sincere vaishnavas headed by Vaisesika das, a senior Prabhupada disciple who is quite an inspiration. Gauranga Kishore (another NV expat) lives at the temple in San Jose and it has been really wonderful to have his association. Also, Ananta Govinda (another NVite) lives in the area with his wife.
The only thing that I can think of in relation to my loss is that we need to treasure our time with each other in this ephemeral world - learn to live and care for each other and try to make some significant progress in our internal journey home.

the pain lingers

It has been such a short while since my dear wife left this world. Ever since her passing, I have kept myself busy. Even though there was pain and sadness from not having her around, we had the funeral/cremation, a wonderful visit to New Vrindavan and Gita Nagari, a short visit to Vraj (in PA) and then we returned "home", a place where we have been since october last. However, coming back here has had its intense moments. After all, it is Gopilila's parent's home, a house where she spent some of her formative years (her folks have lived here for 30 years), a home where "we" spent about 7 months as a family, and a home where she left her body. Yes, there are memories floating around.
I want to thank everyone who has stayed up with the blog - silent or not. Really, it is your well wishes and prayers for my departed wife and "remaining" family that I crave. However, words of support and encouragement are like icing on the cake. My request is that if anyone has some memories of her - fond or not - that they share them. I would like to collect them so that if the kids want to know something about her, in the future, they can read some remembrances of her. You can either write them here, or if you want you can email them to me.
So, the house here is filled with memories. Also, there are a lot of her crafts around too. Gopilila went to the Rhode Island School of Design (RISD) for about three years and then did a semester in France, too. There are a few of her ceramics - vases and bowls - and paintings around the house. Also, she was a knitter. She made a few teddy bears in the last months - she gave one to her mother and each of her children. Seeing some of her work around the house are a combination of sweetness and pain.
Yes, I am hankering from the separation of a mortal body in a mortal world. It makes me reflect on the hankering of the goswamis from separation with Sri Krishna. I feel my pain and sadness deep in my heart; I sometines feel that it must be like a minute particle of goswamis separation from the Lord.
I am hoping that the passing days, time, will help heal my sadness. I am hopeful that I will slowly see her departure with joy - that she is free from the encumbrances of this body that was causing her so much pain, that she is in a better place, better situated to serve the Lord and His associates, and that she has progressed further on her path back home.

Gopilila's time in this body has ended...

Dear devotees and friends,
As you may know Gopilila left this world Tuesday, may 6, 2008 at about8.15 pm. By Sri Krishna's arrangement there were several devotees chanting for her and we built it to a crescendo with a nice kirtan. We chanted for her till about midnight, when the funeral home came and picked her up Before they took her body away, a few of the devotees bathed her and dressed her in a nice sari, decorated her body with tilak and we had a kirtan till the body was taken away.
Her cremation is on Friday, May 9th at 10 am. Please try and remember her at this hour wherever you are...
thank you for all the prayers and support.

the final stretch...?

so, we got the results of Gopi's scan a few days ago. The word is that the pill (Tarceva) that she was on for the last couple of months has not worked. Contrary, to what was understood based on the xrays, the more comprehensice CT scan revealed that the cancer has continued to grow in her left lung, has moved into her right lung, lymps and adrenals.So, the doctors have stopped her treatment. They think that she has about a month.

a day at a time

Gopilila's health has been fairly steady. She has her days of intense pain, where she is so extremely uncomfortable inspite of the pain killers. Somedays are quite nice, where for most of the day the pain seems "comfortable". However, in the last couple of weeks, she has noticed that there is a lump (in the lymph node) under her left chin; she has also a small lump on her breast. She was really week and her blood count was low. So, she went into the hospital for a couple of pints of blood last saturday. A couple of days ago she had a CT scan done to figure out the "new" lumps. We see her doctor on 4/24 so we'll have more news then (including the results of the CT)
This nice devotee from the Boston temple, Radha Grace, came by the last two weeks with her massage table and gave Gopilila a massage. The Boston Temple president, Daru Krishna, and his family have been coming over once a week with prasad along with another devotee family. The devotees in the Boston sangha have been reaching out to us and offering assistance, even though we barely know them.
We connected again with Angie/Analakshita and Mohan and got to spend some time with them over the last couple of weeks, too. Gopala was especially happy to see Mohan his buddy from his New Vrindavan days.

the show must go on

Hope that you all are well...
Gopilila's health has shown no improvement. However, according to the latest xray, things (the cancer) has slowed down. So, this may be the result of the new medication (Tarceva) that she has been on, or the cumulative effect of the various therapies that she has been undergoing.
Last week she had a cold and cough, but fortunately that seems under control (the mercy of antibiotics). However, her pain levels over the last couple of days seems to be worse. In my unscientific way, I gauge her condition based on how much pain she is in - less pain, things are ok; more pain, things are getting worse (though this could just be that her body has acclimatized to the pain killers and she needs a higher dosage). Anyways, a little flag kind of goes up when she cringes in pain and she has been doing that a bit more than usual of late. She also seems to have a few more emotional breakdowns (though not everyday/regularly) and so today we have an appointment with a Psycho - oncologist (http://www.massgeneral.org/cancer/locator/search_clinician.asp?id=348) . I think that it will be good for her. She saw a psycho- oncologist when she was receiving treatment in India as well and it seemed to help her.
Yesterday, we went to see a traditional tibetan doctor, Dr. Bhutti, http://www.tibetanherbalmedicine.com/. She was really nice. Let's see...

Shanti Shanti Shanti!