Gopi was in great pain last night. She had a pretty sleepless night - moaning and tossing and turning from the pain. Her appetite sucks and I have to almost coerce her to eat at times. I got her a sub today, but that didn't fly either.
A couple of my sisters are here today and they took the kids out with them.
The doctors have scheduled the biopsy for the 11th tuesday and the results won't be in for abother week after that. So, I don't plan to tell Gopi about the other (liver) issue
It is so easy to get distracted from the fragility of life, especially with the intoxicating nature of the world when things are "seeming" to go well. However, difficult circumstances serve as a reminder of the ephemeral nature of the world.
Seeing the evolution of Gopi's health condition has been a real awakener. However, yesterday in the bleakest moments, by the good fortune of the Lord, I was remembering Sril Prabhupada. Obviously, there is no comparison on any level - comparing a giant to an ant- but, I was thinking of Srila Prabhupada's repeated attempts at business and endeavours to spread Krishna Consciousness that were not initially sucessful (at least externally) and of how Prabhupada realised that these were actually blessings from the Lord- the Lord takes away everything from those that he benedicts/blesses.
Externally, I am hanging on but internally I feel like I am going through the spin dry portion of a wash....
I feel like I am in a whirlwind and have no idea where I will be let off...
Sunday, September 9, 2007
always something to look forward to
Yesterday, when I returned from the doctors we were visited by some friends Nitin and Neha and their 3 year old.
Nitin is the younger brother of my dear friend Chetan (currently in LA) who I used to hang out with alot while growing up. Nitin lives in the beautiful town of Madiker (formerly Mercara) about 3-4 hours east of here, up in the mountains, right by the source of the river Cauvery. He and his family were on their way back from Mumbai after visiting a friend in the hospital. Well, not any hospital but, the Bhaktivedanta Hospital. They spoke very highly of the hospital. Anyways, the stopped by for a couple of hours on their way home. Vrinda and Gopal were happy for the company - Vrinda played with their 3 year old. Gopi was happy to see them again - she had met them about 5 years ago in Chennai.
While they were visiting, Tejiyas Prabhu came by for a bit. The kids love him. He's got some stories that are quite unbelievable, but he is actually a very sober person who has had some nice association with Srila Prabhupada.
While he was visitng us, Tejiyas gave us some nectar from his association with Prabhupada - actually the last time he spoke to Prabhupada- in Vrindavan Oct(?) 1977, while Srila Prabhupada was getting ready to leave his body. It was so nice and soothing to get some sweet nectar pastimes. At that time (1977), Tejiyas was involved with the Hyderabad farm. He said that even though Prabhupada was very weak and had barely been eating for months, he still was so concerned about the devotees and preaching activities. When Tejiyas told Prabhupada what they were growing on the farm, Prabhupada replied (completely paraphrasing...)"Oh Corn! Yes, the villagers will like it " and he also told Tejiyas a couple of preps that could be made with corn.
Two of my sisters (blood) are visiting from Chennai for a couple of days. So, that will be nice for the kids, too.
Nitin is the younger brother of my dear friend Chetan (currently in LA) who I used to hang out with alot while growing up. Nitin lives in the beautiful town of Madiker (formerly Mercara) about 3-4 hours east of here, up in the mountains, right by the source of the river Cauvery. He and his family were on their way back from Mumbai after visiting a friend in the hospital. Well, not any hospital but, the Bhaktivedanta Hospital. They spoke very highly of the hospital. Anyways, the stopped by for a couple of hours on their way home. Vrinda and Gopal were happy for the company - Vrinda played with their 3 year old. Gopi was happy to see them again - she had met them about 5 years ago in Chennai.
While they were visiting, Tejiyas Prabhu came by for a bit. The kids love him. He's got some stories that are quite unbelievable, but he is actually a very sober person who has had some nice association with Srila Prabhupada.
While he was visitng us, Tejiyas gave us some nectar from his association with Prabhupada - actually the last time he spoke to Prabhupada- in Vrindavan Oct(?) 1977, while Srila Prabhupada was getting ready to leave his body. It was so nice and soothing to get some sweet nectar pastimes. At that time (1977), Tejiyas was involved with the Hyderabad farm. He said that even though Prabhupada was very weak and had barely been eating for months, he still was so concerned about the devotees and preaching activities. When Tejiyas told Prabhupada what they were growing on the farm, Prabhupada replied (completely paraphrasing...)"Oh Corn! Yes, the villagers will like it " and he also told Tejiyas a couple of preps that could be made with corn.
Two of my sisters (blood) are visiting from Chennai for a couple of days. So, that will be nice for the kids, too.
Saturday, September 8, 2007
rollercoaster
I won't get fooled again.......
Well, that's the thought running through my head now.
I had a feeling when I wrote yesterday that the CT scan came in as "clean" that there was a chance of a jinx. The native americans, at least the Lakota (of South Dakota) had a healer/trickster called a "heyoka", a contrarian. He would do things backwards, opposites .... Well, for years I have felt that when I say that I want to do something or that something was going to happen, then the opposite would.
Well, the head of the oncology department called me in this morning. He wanted to talk to me. Well, I had a feeling, in my gut, that something was wrong. I controlled my breath and mind and tried to think of Sri Krishna as I approached his office. The news folks is that the cancer is in Gopi's liver, too. He said that they would need to do a biopsy to confirm it, but that is what it looks like. He says that he was kind of surprised because she has not been exhibiting the symptoms (of cancer in the liver). So, things aren't so clean after all.
I feel sick to my stomach- a combination of fear, uneasiness, the unknown, death....
I mean Gopi seems to look better today, than she has in last few days, at least. I haven't told her as yet. I don't want to disturb her or bother her right now.
So, her classification goes from stage 3b to 4b. Seems like a game...
The doc says that if his diagnosis is accurate (determined by the biopsy) then the plan of treatment will change, focussing more on pain management. Basically, there is crap they can do.
However, just a couple of days ago my friends mom told me that she knew someone whose liver was "finished but he survived and is doing well. The key she said was that he was commited to beating it.
Gopi is so weak and is still struggling with coming to terms with what's going on.
Please keep her in your prayers
Well, that's the thought running through my head now.
I had a feeling when I wrote yesterday that the CT scan came in as "clean" that there was a chance of a jinx. The native americans, at least the Lakota (of South Dakota) had a healer/trickster called a "heyoka", a contrarian. He would do things backwards, opposites .... Well, for years I have felt that when I say that I want to do something or that something was going to happen, then the opposite would.
Well, the head of the oncology department called me in this morning. He wanted to talk to me. Well, I had a feeling, in my gut, that something was wrong. I controlled my breath and mind and tried to think of Sri Krishna as I approached his office. The news folks is that the cancer is in Gopi's liver, too. He said that they would need to do a biopsy to confirm it, but that is what it looks like. He says that he was kind of surprised because she has not been exhibiting the symptoms (of cancer in the liver). So, things aren't so clean after all.
I feel sick to my stomach- a combination of fear, uneasiness, the unknown, death....
I mean Gopi seems to look better today, than she has in last few days, at least. I haven't told her as yet. I don't want to disturb her or bother her right now.
So, her classification goes from stage 3b to 4b. Seems like a game...
The doc says that if his diagnosis is accurate (determined by the biopsy) then the plan of treatment will change, focussing more on pain management. Basically, there is crap they can do.
However, just a couple of days ago my friends mom told me that she knew someone whose liver was "finished but he survived and is doing well. The key she said was that he was commited to beating it.
Gopi is so weak and is still struggling with coming to terms with what's going on.
Please keep her in your prayers
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
the treatment continues
My last couple of attempts to add to the updates were sabotaged by crashing connections. So, I will try again.
Gopi has been doing a bit better. But, in a relative world full of relative situations, this is just a relative condition. Last week it was constipation this week it’s the opposite….
At least her fever seems to have been down for the last couple of days, but last night it sneaked its peeky little head again. When Gopi and I got together she was a bit well rounded, years of marriage to me seemed to have made her lose quite some weight and then this illness has had another toll on her….
They sent Gopi for an MRI (magnetic resonance imaging ) yesterday. However, for an MRI to be accurate, one has to be stationary for an hour or so in a not so comfortable position. So, Gopi couldn’t do it because she was not comfortable. They will do a CT scan today. Essentially, these are on our request (not what the docs require) so that we can have an objective idea of what the situation is and then compare it with post treatment. Apparently, at least for this kind of cancer, MRI’s and CT scans are not required. The docs require on clinical diagnosis, which really means manual or digital (finger and not the computer kind) diagnosis to determine the extent and spread of the disease.
Gopala returned to our fold yesterday after spending about 5 days with Tejiyas and Toshan. When I went to get him he was all cuddly with me running his hands through my hair and touching my cheeks. It seems like her missed us.
another day
Gopi seems a bit better today. Yesterday was rough. She had a CT scan of her abdomen. In order to do it she had to refrain from food and water and then was given and injection and some fluid to drink. She was nauseas the rest of the day.
The MRI will apparently be attempted again tomorrow, under seadtion, so that she won't move during it.
The CT scan results showed that the cancer had not spread (as the doctors predicted ) to the stomach etc and the lymph nodes look "clean". Being in the hospital is a good way to get educated about the human body ....
The MRI will apparently be attempted again tomorrow, under seadtion, so that she won't move during it.
The CT scan results showed that the cancer had not spread (as the doctors predicted ) to the stomach etc and the lymph nodes look "clean". Being in the hospital is a good way to get educated about the human body ....
the treatment (saved draft)_
Yesterday, was Gopi's second Chemo treatment. So, this is week two.
Last week it was constipation, this week it seems to be the opposite.
Her fever is down though, which is great news.
Her doctor is a really nice, gentle soul -Dr. Vadiraja (Vadiraja,incidently, is one of the great acharyas in the line coming from Madhvacharya. It is said that the Lord would come as Sri Hayagriva and eat foodstuffs that he cooked everyday!!! It is common around the maths in Udupi to see a picture of Vadiraja with a basket of food on his head and a horse - Hayagriva- standing behind the basket and eating from it)
Gopi was also a distraught the day before and so the doc recommended she talk to the resident Pyscho-oncologist - a bearded Freudian doc. Very nice and mellow though.
They gave her a shot in increase her hemoglobin count today, too.
One of the best experiences in India is to buy something at a store or counter that is busy. The concept of a line or respecting those who are ahead of you or "waiting before you" does not exist here. It is the herd.......you just push your way, inch your way or edge your way ahead. This is so most of the time though not always. Especially, if I happen to be waiting . Wasting no words or emotions I clearly tell folks to get behind me
Last week it was constipation, this week it seems to be the opposite.
Her fever is down though, which is great news.
Her doctor is a really nice, gentle soul -Dr. Vadiraja (Vadiraja,incidently, is one of the great acharyas in the line coming from Madhvacharya. It is said that the Lord would come as Sri Hayagriva and eat foodstuffs that he cooked everyday!!! It is common around the maths in Udupi to see a picture of Vadiraja with a basket of food on his head and a horse - Hayagriva- standing behind the basket and eating from it)
Gopi was also a distraught the day before and so the doc recommended she talk to the resident Pyscho-oncologist - a bearded Freudian doc. Very nice and mellow though.
They gave her a shot in increase her hemoglobin count today, too.
One of the best experiences in India is to buy something at a store or counter that is busy. The concept of a line or respecting those who are ahead of you or "waiting before you" does not exist here. It is the herd.......you just push your way, inch your way or edge your way ahead. This is so most of the time though not always. Especially, if I happen to be waiting . Wasting no words or emotions I clearly tell folks to get behind me
Saturday, September 1, 2007
day 6
So, after all, Gopi did have her radiation yesterday (day 5). the doctors felt that she had recovered (from the fever) enough to continue with it.
She is fine for the most part, but suffered from constipation yesterday, so the docs gave her a laxative. Between, the radiation and the pain from her cancer she is quite sore in her lower extremities.
They will give her another dose of radiation. The radiation is only for about 3 minutes (a minute and half on her front and likewise on her back).
Gopala went to Tejiyas' house last night to spend a couple of days. There is another young devotee boy named Toshan (aged 13) who is staying there. So, Gopala gets to hang with someone closer to his age. He was excited because he really likes Tejiyas (who is quite knowledgeable about a lot of things; very well read) and enjoys Toshan's company.
Vrinda and I dropped Gopala off at Tejiyas' ( he lives about 10 minutes away from the hospital http://www.manipalhospital.org/content/view/71/90/ ). Vrinda wanted to stay over too (she's very fond of Tejiyas too), but I told her that when Gopala was her age, we never let him out of our sight at all (at least tried not to). She found that amusing. Tejiyas is also a cancer survivor. HE had prostate cancer. He used to be the temple president in Delhi in the 1970's and had quite some of Srila Prabhupada's association.
Radhe Radhe!
She is fine for the most part, but suffered from constipation yesterday, so the docs gave her a laxative. Between, the radiation and the pain from her cancer she is quite sore in her lower extremities.
They will give her another dose of radiation. The radiation is only for about 3 minutes (a minute and half on her front and likewise on her back).
Gopala went to Tejiyas' house last night to spend a couple of days. There is another young devotee boy named Toshan (aged 13) who is staying there. So, Gopala gets to hang with someone closer to his age. He was excited because he really likes Tejiyas (who is quite knowledgeable about a lot of things; very well read) and enjoys Toshan's company.
Vrinda and I dropped Gopala off at Tejiyas' ( he lives about 10 minutes away from the hospital http://www.manipalhospital.org/content/view/71/90/ ). Vrinda wanted to stay over too (she's very fond of Tejiyas too), but I told her that when Gopala was her age, we never let him out of our sight at all (at least tried not to). She found that amusing. Tejiyas is also a cancer survivor. HE had prostate cancer. He used to be the temple president in Delhi in the 1970's and had quite some of Srila Prabhupada's association.
Radhe Radhe!
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