rollercoaster

I won't get fooled again.......

Well, that's the thought running through my head now.

I had a feeling when I wrote yesterday that the CT scan came in as "clean" that there was a chance of a jinx. The native americans, at least the Lakota (of South Dakota) had a healer/trickster called a "heyoka", a contrarian. He would do things backwards, opposites .... Well, for years I have felt that when I say that I want to do something or that something was going to happen, then the opposite would.

Well, the head of the oncology department called me in this morning. He wanted to talk to me. Well, I had a feeling, in my gut, that something was wrong. I controlled my breath and mind and tried to think of Sri Krishna as I approached his office. The news folks is that the cancer is in Gopi's liver, too. He said that they would need to do a biopsy to confirm it, but that is what it looks like. He says that he was kind of surprised because she has not been exhibiting the symptoms (of cancer in the liver). So, things aren't so clean after all.

I feel sick to my stomach- a combination of fear, uneasiness, the unknown, death....

I mean Gopi seems to look better today, than she has in last few days, at least. I haven't told her as yet. I don't want to disturb her or bother her right now.

So, her classification goes from stage 3b to 4b. Seems like a game...

The doc says that if his diagnosis is accurate (determined by the biopsy) then the plan of treatment will change, focussing more on pain management. Basically, there is crap they can do.
However, just a couple of days ago my friends mom told me that she knew someone whose liver was "finished but he survived and is doing well. The key she said was that he was commited to beating it.

Gopi is so weak and is still struggling with coming to terms with what's going on.

Please keep her in your prayers