morph in

So, Gopilila is on a new painkiller - morphine. She was on 15mg(one pill) twice a day. But, by the time she took her second pill the first one was wearing out and she was in pain. So, the doctors have doubled her dose and asked her to take it every 8 hours (2 pills three times a day). This has helped significantly with the pain. Otherwise, it was so uncomfortable for her when the meds were wearing out. However, one of the side effects of the meds is constipation. So, more meds equals more...
We had house visits by the nurse a couple of times. The first one who came in was concerned that the pain levels were not under control and spoke to the doc who then revised the dosage. Even though the docs have suggested that she take two pills three times a day, Gopilila takes only one three times . She does not really like being drugged out. Once she remarked that if anyone asked her how she was she should just say that she's high.

no pain no gain?

The last couple of days have not been so good for Gopilila. She has been waking up in intense pain and has thrown up, too. Just when it all seemed that things were "under control", that her pain seemed steady (or appearing to be in decline) under medication, she woke up last morning and this morning in severe pain. THe pain and the throwing up doesn't help because it knocks out all her energy and her appetite.
Today, she starts on a new pain med that is time released (she was taking Tylenol 3 with codeine for the last few weeks). Hopefully, it will help.

chemo-puko

yeah, this chemo is heavy.
Gopilila is really wiped out. She has had no apetite and when she eats something it's throws up.
we were warned that nausea, fatigue and constipation were some one of the side effects of the chemo. In fact the docs prescribed pills and meds for the nausea and constipation ahead of time.

Chemo- round 2

Gopilila started with her chemo therapy for her lungs. The program is 4 days of chemo, 28 days of rest, 4 days of chemo, then 21 days of rest, 4 days of chemo for the next few months. The doc says that there is at least one quarter sized growth in her lungs and several smaller ones. He has had patients with similar growths in their lungs and has had "success" in treating them. Incidently, the chemo that she is being given, topotecan, is derived from some chinese herb. It's main function is to stop cell division, meaning "all" cell division.
Anyways, Gopilila was wiped out after the chemo. she has been in a lot of pain, especially in the left side and back of her chest.
Tomorrow, we got more chemo...
We were blessed with some wonderful visitors and association this last week - Narottam, his wife Tanvi and baby Lila visited us from Columbus for a couple of days and then Vrindavanath and Sita-Rama from New york. It was so wonderful meeting old friends and catching up. Devotee association is so special and enlivening; gopilila especially was really appreciative.

Chemo again

So, the word is that the cancer in Gopilila's lungs has spread from her cervix. Unfortuntely, the docs have not offered any alternatives to more chemotherapy. So, as it stands, Gopilila is in for more chemo on monday, december 10th.

biopsy update

We saw Gopilila's primary care physician today. Well, the news is that the cancer is in her lungs. They are doing some kind of culture with the biopsy to determine if the cancer has spread from her cervix or it is something new. It will take a few days to get this result and then we will have a better idea of what the line of treatment will be etc.

Tomorrow we will talk to her oncologist to set an appointment.

lung biopsy

yesterday, nov 27th, Gopilila had a biopsy done on her left lung. The PET scan done a couple of weeks ago had shown something. In a couple of days we will know where we stand on the infection in the lung. Meanwhile, Gopi has been experiencing pain in her left side/lung area. Incidently, this is also the area where she had a surgery earlier this year to remove part of her pleura.
The results of the biopsy are due in a couple of days.

Gopilila, the kids and I got to visit the Boston temple this evening. Mangari Lila visited us from PA and took us there. It was really wonderful to visit the temple .

PCP

Last week we met with Dr. Cabrera, a charming lady from Peru, who will be Gopilila's PCP (primary care physician) .
I spoke to her (Dr. Cabrera) today about the PET scan that Gopilila had on saturday. The word is that the cancer looks to have spread to her lungs. Tomorrow I will speak to the oncologist, Dr. Fuller, about scheduling an appointment and finding out the real situation.

the cancer specialist

Yesterday, we met with Dr. Arlan Fuller, the oncologist. He was a really nice old gentleman, probably in his late sixties.
He did some preliminary exams and he said that Gopilila condition seems positive and that her cervix looks mostly normal. Next saturday, they have a PT? scan scheduled. They run this liquid through her body so they can identify the hotspots or any potential danger areas.
This is the next step...
Apparently, the lungs may not be cancerous or at least the PT scan will give us a better idea.

back home

Gopi is back home today.
The kids were real glad to see her (they hadn't seen her since she was admitted to the hospital ; the hospital wanted to take precautions in case her illness was infectious).

they postponed her lung biopsy.

She sees the cancer specialist on thursday and he will decide.

the next round?

So, Gopilila's been in the hospital for the last few days.

They did a CT scan on her yesterday. I spoke to the doctor about the results.
He said that what the docs in India suspected as metastasis (cancer spread) to the Liver, they read as cysts.

However, the new scan makes them suspect metasis to the lung!!! They will be doing a test tomorrow which invovles sticking a tube down her mouth to her lungs to extract some of the suspected cancer for a biopsy....

more of Radhanath Maharaj’s conversation with Gopilila

I was in the hospital today and I asked Gopilila what she remembered from our visit with Maharaj in Mumbai.

1. Maharaj said that he was proud of her for her resilience through the difficulties that she has been experiencing.
2. He told her that she was a good mother and that she has raised two beautiful children.
3. He said that Mother Kunti (from N V) was an example of not only how to die, but also how to live.
4. Our bodies ultimately belong to Sri Krishna.
5. She (Gopilila) may outlive us or may go before us...
6. Everyone has to die. However, she is more consciously facing it at present. Death is in the foreground for her , but in the background for everyone else.

Chowpatty revisited

I wanted to share some memories of our short stay at Sri Sri Radha Gopinath Mandir.

We spent about three days there and in truth it all went so fast - with the mad rush of packing our stuff and getting ready to move across the world, and more importantly checking Gopi out of the hospital after having spent two months there. Devotees who have visited there know how incredibly well organized the temple and ashram are.
The temple room itself is splendid and it reminds me of Prabhupada's palace in some ways - very grand and regal. The temple is now air conditioned*! especially for the classes and kirtans (when it gets packed). We were put up in a very nice guest room (also air conditioned*) situated right next to Vrindavan Forest - a garden in the temple complex with a nice seating area that is very chill.
*air conditioning, while common in the US is not a staple in India. many restaurants even have separate air conditioned and non air conditioned sections.

The best is the Govinda's restaurant -with a wood fired pizza oven from Italy! Anyways, a menu with varieties of pizza and dosas and you have my soul sold out!
It was a great to meet Gaur Nitai, his wife Guna and son Balagopal there. We got to spend some time together. Also, Bankim Raya Das from who I last saw in Columbus two years or so ago before he moved to Chowpatty and joined the ashram.
Well, Radha Gopinath Mandir is synonymous with Radhanath Maharaj and we were so fortunate that Maharaj was there when we visited. I met Maharaj at lunch the day after we got in ( we got in about 7 pm the previous evening) and he asked me about Gopi. He invited us to his room that evening.
Maharaj was as wonderful as ever and he spent a lot of time listening to Gopi's health while keeping Vrinda and Gopal amused. He invited us to spend as much time at the ashram there and told Gopilila that she could receive treatment at the Bhaktivedant hospital, too. Maharaj was very loving to her and told her that he was concerned for her and was thinking about her and praying for her everyday. He instructed her to pray to Sri Krishna saying that her life was His and that He could do whatever He wanted with it. Maharaj said that in this way that she would be very Krishna conscious and that if she left the world now she would go Home and if her health regained she would still be in a very good consciousness ( I hope this is close to what he said - my kali yuga memory is my cheap copout). We spent quite some time in Maharaj's room and them he gave us some nice prasad in neat little boxes (the prasad - sweets- were really good).
The day that we were leaving we got to see Maharaj again and he was really encouraging Gopilila and told her that he was praying for her. Just when we were all set to leave he had his servant bring us two little bottles of ayurvedic medicine, which he asked Gopi to take twice a day. Maharaj then showed up at our room and told Gopi to take the medicines and that he would send her more if she needed it. He then walked with us to the waiting vehicle....

back in the USA

So, after two years, we are back in the US. The trip back was smooth or so it seemed. However, the last week has been whacked. I never been so jet lagged in my life...
We are now at Gopi's folks in Woburn, MA ( near Boston) - nice suburban existence.
Anyways, a couple of days after we got back Gopi had some cough symptoms. We took her in to the hospital and they diagnosed her with pneumonia. They gave her some meds and drips and kept her in because her blood count was low. Yesterday, they gave her two pints of blood. She had a CT scan done today.

at Chowpatty

We are at Radha Gopinath Mandir at Chowpatty. It is amazing how this ashram has transformed since the last time I was here 5 years ago. It is a little oasis here - like being in Vrindavan.
Last evening we had a nice darshan with Radhanath Maharaj. Maharaj spent quite some time with us and spoke such loving, encouraging to Gopi and myself (and the kids).
We leave tomorrow.

rembering Bhakta Seva

I got an email saying that a couple of days ago has been one year since Bhakta Seva's memorial. My first service when I came to New Vrindavan was to assist with the cows and Bhakta Seva was a larger than life presence around them, especially the calves. He was like a mother to the calves - feeding them with a big milk bottle. I can still picture him in my mind's eye.....moving about the calves and showering them with so much love and attention. His other services at that time, and for many years, till he moved to the apartments were cooking the evening offering on thursdays (I think)and dressing Prahlad Maharaj. The evening offereing was a treat, especially the kachoris and the dahi vadas (many a brahmacaris -of my peers atleast- downfall). I remember that he cared for the cows and anyone who took care of the cows so much that he would cook extra kachoris and save them for the cowherders.......
Anyways, Bhakta Seva was a sweet guy and very affectionate, yet he was a pretty private person. The last time I saw him was when I was in New Vrindavan in August 2005 on my way to China. I chatted with him through his window and he shared some bread.
Hare Krishna!

checking out (of the hospital)

We all have to check out sometime, but right now, Gopi is getting ready to check out of the hospital. she (and Gopal, Vrinda and I) have spent 62 days in the hospital!!!
Gopi stepped outside for the first time this evening. We went to a little veg restaurant across the street and she gorged on a veg burger and fries. I had to caution her not to overeat!! especially since she has been eating bland food since she has been in the hospital.
So, she checks out tomorrow. The day after we head to Mumbai, where we hope to stay at the Chowpatty ashram for a couple of days and then head west - to MA, USA - to mom and dad head (Gopi's).
It is going to be interesting . We have been away from the US for two years! We spent a year in China and a year in India. Maybe, that explains why she has been so ill!!
The flight to the US is going to be intense, so wish us well.
Radhe Radhe!

end of part two

Gopi was done with the last of her radiations yesterday. She is in better spirits now that the whole thing is done. now we have to wait and see. In a month's time we will know if things are really in remission or not.
Hopefully, we will check out of the hospitalin a day or two.

While her spirits are good, she is still in pain and has to take pain meds.

we have to see what other surprises the good Lord has lined up for us...

that queasy feeling

I still have this queasy feeling that things may not be right....well obviously they are not considering that Gopi's in the hospital etc, but after all these weeks of treatment and the docs saying that she has responded positively etc there is still the unresolved issue of her liver.
The biopsy that was done was inconclusive and inadequate and we decided to wait on doing another one. So, though Gopi has responded to her treatment of the cervix area, we are still in the dark about the condition of her liver. As far as treatment goes, allopathically atleast, there is only more intense chemotherapy (if her suspected condition is confirmed). For the last day Gopi has been complaining of pains in her abdominal area and I keep wondering if it is her liver or just the residual of all the radiation that she has received........
One positive though is that her appetite is gradually improving. she seems to be eating more every day. During the first five weeks of treatment I had to literally coax her to eat, now I don't.
She also has been walking down the hall and getting some exercise, but she has pretty restless nights...

Shanti

the future is uncertain, but the end is always near

Even though I am not personally experiencing the illness (es) that Gopi has been undergoing, in some way, since I have had a close proximity to the going ons, I feel like a veteran of sorts on the process of disease and death.
One thing I have realised is how helpless we are. We can hope for the best and be optimistic etc. but even the docs and everyone else can't say for certain what's going to happen.
The most powerful thing that one can do is pray and surround oneself with prayer and well wishes.
It has been a learning experience to see the fear and despair that disease brings to oneself and one's loved ones.
It is also good to resolve any unresolved issues/conflicts etc in case on has to make a quick exit...

Part 2

Yesterday, Gopi had the first of her last two radiations. She had a week break after the first 5 week session. The doctors moved up this session a week. They say she has responded favorably to the treatment so far.
So, yesterdays treatment was internal and more focussed on the tumor as opposed to the last five weeks which were external and over a general area. However, after the treatment Gopi was really tired and sore and has been so since. we have one more week and then another dose of the same thing.
As things look now, we are planning on returning to the US the end of the month. This will give Gopi a chance to rest and recuperate at her folks.

its been three days

Its been three days since Gopi finished her last treatment. One of the effects of the radiation to her abdominal area is that her skin has turned blackish and sore. some of the skin has peeled and she is in pain.
However, on the positive side, a bit of color has returned to her face. She is moving about a bit and her appetitie is a bit better than over the last few weeks - all good signs. The doc did an examination yesterday and says that there has been some improvement in her condition too.
The lastest is that her last two treatments may start next week.

end of part 1

Gopi finished the last of her radiations yesterday (5 weeks). what a relief! we are so glad that it is done and I must say that by the support and prayers of our wishers it went by quite quickly. She is still weak and tired, but the doctors say that things should improve now that the treatment is over. She has a two week break after which she will be re-examined and then she will be scheduled for two more radiations (focussed internally). This will be based on the results of the examination i.e. if the cancer has responded to the treatment.

measles and more

So, fortunately, the measles episode for the kids seems to be under control. The rash on their bodies have subsided (mostly) and they have recovered from the lethargy that accompanied the illness (they are back to driving Gopi and me nuts, but it's betetr having them this way than all spaced out). It seems like I have got a bit of the bug, too or it may be all the stress etc that has accumulated and I have been feeling really tired for the lst couple of days. feel better today, though.
Gopi's got two more radiation treatments left for this phase of her treatment. They have cancelled her last chemotherapy, which was due yesterday, because her blood count was too low. However, wea re kind of glad. The treatment has her knocked out. She was really faint today. She wanted to go for a walk down the hall but barely made it to the door. However, it is not constant after some rest she seemed a tad bit better.
We were visted by a dutch devotee named Jayananda today. He is really interesting - he has spent years on and off in India, but really likes the Udupi area. I met him here several months ago and he is back again.
There are two ayurvedic doctors in this area who are frequented by devotees (and others too) - Dr. Shiv Kumar (who has treated Varsana Swami, Niranjana Swami and others) and Dr. Tanmay Goswami (who was a gurukuli and is related to the Radha Raman family). Anyways, about 10 days before Gopi was in the hospital in April (for her chest surgery - they removed a part of the lining of her left lung) we had gone to see Dr. Tanmay Goswami. He does this thing where he looks at the astrological charts of his patients. Anyways, he saw Gopi's chart (at that time she was just having lung pains ) and said "wrong diagnosis"!!! Well, now we know...

as luck would have it

thanks once again to all the wonderful devotees who have been sending their prayers and well wishes Gopi's way. Your support for her (myself) and our family has been very important.

Prayer is like an invisible life line/net that stretches through time and space. It is comforting and I feel sheltered by it's (the prayers of our well wishers) warm embrace.

well, on a new front, just to add to the chaos, Gopala and Vrinda are now down with measles. Apparently, a college student a few doors down from Gopi's room was being treated for measles and I suspect that was the "source". Vrinda, in her super friendly extroverted way, is always making friends with people and she may have inadvertently played with the source. They are both getting some allopathic and ayurvedic meds. However, for now the two chumps have little rashes all over their bodies.

So, we have three patients in the room now - Gopi and the kids. The docs say that their condition should last for a few days.

Meanwhile, we are making sure that they stay away from Gopi. Gopi in the meantime is hanging in. She is now into her fifth week of treatment. Actually, there are three days of treatment left . After this there is a two week break and then two more individual treatments a week apart.

I am amazed that we have made it through four weeks already.

Thank you so much for your support, prayers and well wishes.

is no news good news?

First of all, sorry to bother you with the morbid stories, but they are a reflection of reality. So, peace...

Honestly, I would be bored reading seemingly the same stuff everyday. illness, pain, illness, pain, pain, illness...

What to do? Sorry.

Well, the docs got back to me yesterday about the biopsy report. Over the last week, I had been consiously and subconsciouly bracing myself for the worst news. At this point in time, I would rather be surprised with "good" news than be unprepared for "bad" news. However, I proceeded to the docs office with anticipation. Anyways, the word is that the biopsy was inconclusive since it was considered "inadequate", or rather they did not get adequate info. The doc mentioned that even though the biopsy was guided by an MRI, sometimes adequate tissue is not collected to determine accurately whether the tissue/organ is affected. So, in this case they can't say yes or no. The solution is to do another biopsy. Gopi is not into doing one right away since she is in pain and doing this biopsy requires fasting for about half a day from food and water and it knocks her out. So, we will wait another week before we do the biopsy again.

The thing is that even if the biopsy proves the doctors suspicions (based on the CT scan ) positive, there is nothing much they can do. It will just change her stage of cancer from 3b to 4b (sounds like algebra)

Gopi has finished her 4th week of chemo and radiation and has a couple of days off. This week has been the worst so far.

I gave her some probiotics and it may have caused her a rash. She broke out in hives all over her arms and legs yesterday. She is better today.

However, she still has diarhea and puked a couple of times this morning.

Hare Krishna!

liquid beauty confirmed

All those years of hearing about and seeing dramas on "liquid beauty". I never thought that I would be a first hand witness....

I mean in theory it sounds real, but I always thought it was a "cute" metaphor/story, which woman (or man ) would really want to do that. However, sometimes things happen that we don't want to. Nothing like radiation therapy, puking and diarhea to release liquid beauty. It is not the conscious ingestion of laxatives and purgatives, but the effect, though, is somehow the same...

skin and bones

Gopi was ill yesterday, but we were lucky that we had some nice visitors. Manu Suta Prabhu, who manages a farm at Varahavan (the appearance place of Lord Varaha ??), stopped by for awhile. He is a really nice devotee and we always enjoy his association. He got Gopi a bunch of Noni pills (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Noni) from Dr. Alva's pharmacy in Moodbidri a town not too far from here.
Later in the day Tejiyas Prabhu stopped by for a visit. It was refreshing to have the association of two senior Prabhupada disciples.
We are still waiting to hear from the docs about the biopsy report (liver). Gopi's wbc count is low and so the chemo was postponed for tomorrow. Instead they gave her a shot to boost her wbc count.
Gopi is all skin and bones. Today I had a realisation about the Bhagavatam speaking that this body is a bag comprising of the three dhatus - kunape tri dhatuke (?).

week 4

so, today the fourth week of treatment has begun.

Gopi has been ill for the last two days. She had to keep going to the bathroom yesterday and since this morning she has had diarhea. she was in such pain and agony.

I got her some ayurvedic meds from a doctor who I heard of threw the grapevine. He prescribed some meds for her to stimulate her liver and remove some of the toxins of the treatment. Every time she takes this ayurvedic medicine (which has been twice) she throws up within half an hour or so. So, we decided that she won't take it today. Interestingly, the chief component of the medicine is cumin!!


according to ayurveda, the best medicine is gold- purified gold called "suvarna bhasma", which serves as a rasayana or rejuvenative.

one day at a time

Gopi illness has made me appreciate prayer more and more.

We don't have regular devotee association, but we feel blessed that so many wonderful devotees are offering their prayers on her behalf. We feel blessed and Gopi is especially touched that devotees care for her. Unfortunately, in our busy worlds, we sometimes don't take the time or we feel inhibited from offering our love and appreciation for one another. However, Gopi's illness has made me see the soft heartedness of devotees and their care and compassion for one another, at least in times of distress. We are most grateful...

Many nice devotees have shared their experiences with cancer and their attempts and efforts to fight this disease. It has been so helpful. The most helpful part, to me, apart from the healing strategies, is to know that there are a lot of "survivors" out there (using varied methods of treatment). What it has made apparent to me is that, try what one may, ultimately it is the plan of the Lord whether one will live a few more days, months or years. One can only do one's best to fight...

Gopi's health is so unstable. One day she seems a bit better, the next she is miserable. Yesterday, again, she was running a fever and shivering. This morning she threw up bile, the first time during her three weeks of treatment. Yes, she has finished three weeks and we have two to go. The docs say that it is expected (the vomiting) during this kind of treatment. But, I keep wondering if it is not her liver. We are still waiting on the results of the biopsy.

The words of encouragement and support of the devotees have been so wonderful. I offer you my pranams and gratitude

Govinda Jaya Jaya!

Gopi was in pain again today. She was on a couple of drips - a B12, etc and then the Chemo drip. However, she was almost freaking a bit - she was shivering and her body was quivering and she was running a fever.
However, they gave her some meds to bring the fever down and then the Chemo. By the end of the day she was more relaxed etc.
Govinda Prabhu from Chowpatty visited this evening along with Dayal Chandra Prabhu, his son and another devotee named Karunakaran. It was really nice to see them, especially for Gopi. The association of devotees is so cooling. Especially Govinda, who we know over the last few years. We last saw him in Columbus, OH about a couple of years ago when he stopped by with a couple of devotees for Prasad. Govinda leads very sweet Bhajans, though we didn't chant any this time.

getting inspiration

So, Suvarna Manjari gave Bhakti Tirtha swami's book-Beggar : Die before dying - to Gopi. Suvarna and her husband, whom we met here in Udupi for the first time ( if there is really such a thing, in eternity that is) helped Gopi get to the hospital - really nice couple. They didn't know she had cancer because the diagnosis was not out before the left India, but incidently the book has a lot to do with living (and dying ) with cancer.
Some thoughts (from the book) that Gopi talks about are learning to love the cancer...
Gopala started reading a bit of the book. The first thing that he gleaned from the book was that we are all "dead men walking" . Gopala says that he understood that we are all dying from the moment that we are born.

Yesterday, Gopala read about being grateful for the good health that we had in the past...

Cat and mouse

Dr. Vidya sagar (ocean of knowledge) the head of the oncology dept was in to see Gopi this morning. He mentioned to her that she will need to have a biopsy done tomorrow to check some things in her liver. So, while she doesn't know what he suspects, she is aware that they think there may be something up with her liver. Well, we can't really have a biopsy done on her liver without her knowing it. The biopsy involves sticking a needle into her liver to extract some on the suspected tissue. Gopi hates needles, fears them. So, her main concern is whether it will hurt and the doctor told her that there would be some local anesthesia used.
One time, in jest , she mentioned how she would be a bad junkie because she feared needles. I remember when I was about 8 I had pneumonia and I used to get a shot in my ass every day for a month or so. I didn' tmind it too much, back them at least.
Gopi was in a lot of pain again today. She has no appetite and I have to literally fight with her to coerce her to eat.
Sometimes, I wish they would give her some natural narcotics or opiates for her pain - opium or hashish or something. I mean it's not like these pain killers are any better, with their side effects and all. At least the hash would make her want to eat - give her the munchies... But, then I am not a doctor and the pharmaceutical companies rule the world.

last night and some thoughts

Gopi was in great pain last night. She had a pretty sleepless night - moaning and tossing and turning from the pain. Her appetite sucks and I have to almost coerce her to eat at times. I got her a sub today, but that didn't fly either.

A couple of my sisters are here today and they took the kids out with them.

The doctors have scheduled the biopsy for the 11th tuesday and the results won't be in for abother week after that. So, I don't plan to tell Gopi about the other (liver) issue



It is so easy to get distracted from the fragility of life, especially with the intoxicating nature of the world when things are "seeming" to go well. However, difficult circumstances serve as a reminder of the ephemeral nature of the world.
Seeing the evolution of Gopi's health condition has been a real awakener. However, yesterday in the bleakest moments, by the good fortune of the Lord, I was remembering Sril Prabhupada. Obviously, there is no comparison on any level - comparing a giant to an ant- but, I was thinking of Srila Prabhupada's repeated attempts at business and endeavours to spread Krishna Consciousness that were not initially sucessful (at least externally) and of how Prabhupada realised that these were actually blessings from the Lord- the Lord takes away everything from those that he benedicts/blesses.
Externally, I am hanging on but internally I feel like I am going through the spin dry portion of a wash....

I feel like I am in a whirlwind and have no idea where I will be let off...

always something to look forward to

Yesterday, when I returned from the doctors we were visited by some friends Nitin and Neha and their 3 year old.
Nitin is the younger brother of my dear friend Chetan (currently in LA) who I used to hang out with alot while growing up. Nitin lives in the beautiful town of Madiker (formerly Mercara) about 3-4 hours east of here, up in the mountains, right by the source of the river Cauvery. He and his family were on their way back from Mumbai after visiting a friend in the hospital. Well, not any hospital but, the Bhaktivedanta Hospital. They spoke very highly of the hospital. Anyways, the stopped by for a couple of hours on their way home. Vrinda and Gopal were happy for the company - Vrinda played with their 3 year old. Gopi was happy to see them again - she had met them about 5 years ago in Chennai.
While they were visiting, Tejiyas Prabhu came by for a bit. The kids love him. He's got some stories that are quite unbelievable, but he is actually a very sober person who has had some nice association with Srila Prabhupada.
While he was visitng us, Tejiyas gave us some nectar from his association with Prabhupada - actually the last time he spoke to Prabhupada- in Vrindavan Oct(?) 1977, while Srila Prabhupada was getting ready to leave his body. It was so nice and soothing to get some sweet nectar pastimes. At that time (1977), Tejiyas was involved with the Hyderabad farm. He said that even though Prabhupada was very weak and had barely been eating for months, he still was so concerned about the devotees and preaching activities. When Tejiyas told Prabhupada what they were growing on the farm, Prabhupada replied (completely paraphrasing...)"Oh Corn! Yes, the villagers will like it " and he also told Tejiyas a couple of preps that could be made with corn.
Two of my sisters (blood) are visiting from Chennai for a couple of days. So, that will be nice for the kids, too.

rollercoaster

I won't get fooled again.......

Well, that's the thought running through my head now.

I had a feeling when I wrote yesterday that the CT scan came in as "clean" that there was a chance of a jinx. The native americans, at least the Lakota (of South Dakota) had a healer/trickster called a "heyoka", a contrarian. He would do things backwards, opposites .... Well, for years I have felt that when I say that I want to do something or that something was going to happen, then the opposite would.

Well, the head of the oncology department called me in this morning. He wanted to talk to me. Well, I had a feeling, in my gut, that something was wrong. I controlled my breath and mind and tried to think of Sri Krishna as I approached his office. The news folks is that the cancer is in Gopi's liver, too. He said that they would need to do a biopsy to confirm it, but that is what it looks like. He says that he was kind of surprised because she has not been exhibiting the symptoms (of cancer in the liver). So, things aren't so clean after all.

I feel sick to my stomach- a combination of fear, uneasiness, the unknown, death....

I mean Gopi seems to look better today, than she has in last few days, at least. I haven't told her as yet. I don't want to disturb her or bother her right now.

So, her classification goes from stage 3b to 4b. Seems like a game...

The doc says that if his diagnosis is accurate (determined by the biopsy) then the plan of treatment will change, focussing more on pain management. Basically, there is crap they can do.
However, just a couple of days ago my friends mom told me that she knew someone whose liver was "finished but he survived and is doing well. The key she said was that he was commited to beating it.

Gopi is so weak and is still struggling with coming to terms with what's going on.

Please keep her in your prayers

the treatment continues

My last couple of attempts to add to the updates were sabotaged by crashing connections. So, I will try again.

Gopi has been doing a bit better. But, in a relative world full of relative situations, this is just a relative condition. Last week it was constipation this week it’s the opposite….

At least her fever seems to have been down for the last couple of days, but last night it sneaked its peeky little head again. When Gopi and I got together she was a bit well rounded, years of marriage to me seemed to have made her lose quite some weight and then this illness has had another toll on her….

They sent Gopi for an MRI (magnetic resonance imaging ) yesterday. However, for an MRI to be accurate, one has to be stationary for an hour or so in a not so comfortable position. So, Gopi couldn’t do it because she was not comfortable. They will do a CT scan today. Essentially, these are on our request (not what the docs require) so that we can have an objective idea of what the situation is and then compare it with post treatment. Apparently, at least for this kind of cancer, MRI’s and CT scans are not required. The docs require on clinical diagnosis, which really means manual or digital (finger and not the computer kind) diagnosis to determine the extent and spread of the disease.

Gopala returned to our fold yesterday after spending about 5 days with Tejiyas and Toshan. When I went to get him he was all cuddly with me running his hands through my hair and touching my cheeks. It seems like her missed us.

another day

Gopi seems a bit better today. Yesterday was rough. She had a CT scan of her abdomen. In order to do it she had to refrain from food and water and then was given and injection and some fluid to drink. She was nauseas the rest of the day.
The MRI will apparently be attempted again tomorrow, under seadtion, so that she won't move during it.
The CT scan results showed that the cancer had not spread (as the doctors predicted ) to the stomach etc and the lymph nodes look "clean". Being in the hospital is a good way to get educated about the human body ....

the treatment (saved draft)_

Yesterday, was Gopi's second Chemo treatment. So, this is week two.

Last week it was constipation, this week it seems to be the opposite.

Her fever is down though, which is great news.

Her doctor is a really nice, gentle soul -Dr. Vadiraja (Vadiraja,incidently, is one of the great acharyas in the line coming from Madhvacharya. It is said that the Lord would come as Sri Hayagriva and eat foodstuffs that he cooked everyday!!! It is common around the maths in Udupi to see a picture of Vadiraja with a basket of food on his head and a horse - Hayagriva- standing behind the basket and eating from it)

Gopi was also a distraught the day before and so the doc recommended she talk to the resident Pyscho-oncologist - a bearded Freudian doc. Very nice and mellow though.

They gave her a shot in increase her hemoglobin count today, too.



One of the best experiences in India is to buy something at a store or counter that is busy. The concept of a line or respecting those who are ahead of you or "waiting before you" does not exist here. It is the herd.......you just push your way, inch your way or edge your way ahead. This is so most of the time though not always. Especially, if I happen to be waiting . Wasting no words or emotions I clearly tell folks to get behind me

day 6

So, after all, Gopi did have her radiation yesterday (day 5). the doctors felt that she had recovered (from the fever) enough to continue with it.
She is fine for the most part, but suffered from constipation yesterday, so the docs gave her a laxative. Between, the radiation and the pain from her cancer she is quite sore in her lower extremities.
They will give her another dose of radiation. The radiation is only for about 3 minutes (a minute and half on her front and likewise on her back).
Gopala went to Tejiyas' house last night to spend a couple of days. There is another young devotee boy named Toshan (aged 13) who is staying there. So, Gopala gets to hang with someone closer to his age. He was excited because he really likes Tejiyas (who is quite knowledgeable about a lot of things; very well read) and enjoys Toshan's company.
Vrinda and I dropped Gopala off at Tejiyas' ( he lives about 10 minutes away from the hospital http://www.manipalhospital.org/content/view/71/90/ ). Vrinda wanted to stay over too (she's very fond of Tejiyas too), but I told her that when Gopala was her age, we never let him out of our sight at all (at least tried not to). She found that amusing. Tejiyas is also a cancer survivor. HE had prostate cancer. He used to be the temple president in Delhi in the 1970's and had quite some of Srila Prabhupada's association.
Radhe Radhe!

monday blues

so, Gopi was a bit down today. She was feeling very emotional, a bit depressed and was still in pain (naturally). The weather may not be helping.... it has been raining almost continuously for the last couple of days (is this what it's like in Seattle). It is damp.
The doc said that her hemoglobin is low (they had already given her two pints of blood) and so now they will give her some injections to stimulate hemoglobin production.
Last evening, I took Vrinda with me to the local Venugopal Temple where the Manipal Hare Krishnas were having a Janmastami celebration. Bhakti Raghava Swami, who has a farm nearby) was giving class. The temple was so packed that we could not even get in. Kanai Thakur was there so we spent some time with him. The prasad was simple (rice, chick pea subji and two sweets - reminded me of a winter several years ago in NV when we didn't have much Laksmi and we had rice and chick pea subji for the sunday feast) but quite tasty.
Gopi and I were reflecting that last year this time we were in Shanghai, China celebrating Janmastami there.
Tomorrow (Sept 4th) the Iskcon devotees in Udupi are having their Janmastami celebration.
Oh yeah! Getting a lot of TV sangha, which is one of the unfortunate ways to pacify kids in a hospital room. However, the last couple of days they've had some really nice animated shows about the birth and pastimes of Sri Krishna -- yes, only in India...

day 5

Well, Gopi' been ill the last couple of days. She has been running a fever (at 103 this morning). she also threw up a bit this morning.
So, there will be no radiation today as well.
The doc says that they will start again on Monday (today is saturday). So, hopefully she will be a bit better? to continue the treatment.
She is quite weak and out of it for the most part, especially for the last couple of days.

day 4 - Gopi's treatment

So, they started the chemo, which is basically a drip that lasts about an hour or so, three days ago. That was in the morning. That afternoon they started her radiation. The radiation actually lasted for about 3 minutes.
The next day, Gopi was really drowsy for most of the day. The doc says that this was not because of the chemo or radiation, rather they had given her some sedatives to minimize the nauseating effects of the chemo. The radiation was repeated again in the afternoon.
Gopi was feeling some discomfort and some soreness on day 2 and day 3. On the night of day three (yesterday) she started to run a fever (about 100.2) and so they gave her some meds and antibiotics. She was feverish, a bit cold and was sweating. So, the docs decided that they would not do any radiation today (day 4) to give her a break.
In addition to the treatment Gopi has been taking some ayurvedic medicine - Maharishi (mahesh yogi on TM fame) Amrit Kalash - which is two products: a jelly/jam and pills- which some studies have shown to help fight cancer and improve general health, and some capsules called (believe it or not) Cruel, which have been used for improving immunity in cancer patients (the Cruel caps have gold powder, silver powder and other herbs etc).
Today, we were lucky that we got connected with some devotees (Kishan Das) who run a prasad distribution business here for the students. So, we got hooked up with some rice, dahl, subji and chaps. We are happy. The hospital provides Gopi's meals and they have been great. They adjust her diet according to her requests every day and a dietician visits her every day and asks her if she is happy with her meal and what she would like different etc.
The kids are a hit here, especially Vrinda, who is very extroverted and young. She has made friends with the nurses on our floor and they play with her (when not busy), she's made friends with students who come and visit her in Gopi's room . One of them bought Vrinda a Rakhi (band) to tie on Gopala. The day before was Rakhi where girls and women tie this thin cloth/string band on the hands of men that they consider their brother. The men/boys are in turn supposed to give the girls/women a gift and promise to protect them.
And there is the ice cream stand. The med school here is ranked about 6th in India. There are students here from about 20 or so different countries, and quite a few indian americans from the US. Anyways there is really nice (certainly for India) cafeteria, with a food court above it that we frequent. In the cafeteria there is an ice cream parlor and they are so taken in by the kids, especially since they know Gopi is ill, that they often give them (and me) free ice cream....

D day

So, today it all begins. Well, I'm referring to gopi's treatment. The docs took her in to do some examination and mark the area where they will perform the radiation. They marked a square below her belly - about 6 or so square inches where they will focus the radiation
It is supposed to go on for 5 weeks. The first day there will be a chemo drip for an hour followed by radiation, then four more days of radiation. For a total of 5 days a week followed by two days rest, then it repeats again likewise for 5 weeks. After that, a break for two weeks and then two days of internal radiation (through the vagina) once a week.
Hopefully, things will go well and she won't have too many adverse reactions - nausea, diarrhea, hair loss are just a few on them...

On having Indian blood

25 Aug 2007

indian.... So, after getting a couple of blood transfusions, presumably with "Indian blood" since we are in India, Gopi says I guess, I have Indian blood in me now...

Cure -

Cure ???

It seems like there is no cure only attempts to reduce the damage and hope for the best.

The docs say that with stage three cancer there is 65-70 % chance of cure and that to for only five year i.e before the cancer comes back etc. That means that 7 out of every 10 people who get chemo radiation at this stage will make it, but 3 out of 10 wont.

Then there is the whole issue of side affects etc from the radiation etc.
However, when you are playing against a stacked deck what choice do you have? You can only play your cards and hope for the best.

For the first time in my life I am forced to feel the presence of death's knock on the door regualarly. Sure, I've been in accidents and close encounters that have shaken me. But, here I am (and Gopi more than me) is forced to face the ultimate test looming near.

Ayurveda has no cure for cancer either. they only work on strengthening your immune system and assisting one's body to fight the disease. Well, if one has time then this is the best option, but with Gopi's case I don't know how much times we have. I would probably opt for trying to figth it using Ayurveda (I say probably because I am not really in the driver's seat here, Gopi is), but Gopi has to make her own decision. However, she will take some ayurvedic rejuvenatives to stregthen here during the treatment and if she gets through the chemo , maybe some ayurvedic treatment later on......

Gerneral info on cancer

General info on cancer

This is just some stuff that I am gleaning from talking to doctors and people who "know"

There is no real cure for cancer.

The treatments out there seem to be two - surgery or chemo-radiation

There are four stages in cancer, well five if you count CIS(???) which is like a precancer stage. Each stage has an (a) and (b)

The stages are graded according to progress and development of the cancer

In the first stage either surgery or chemo-radiation is suggested. surgery because with early detection they can cut out the infected part and try and prevent spread.

In the second and third stages chemo-radiation is recommended. It is too late for surgery because the tumor has started to grow and spread.

In stage four surgery is the only solution. Basically, butchering, chopping off infected parts etc....things have gone out of control

Cervical cancer

4 Aug 2007

Cervical cancer So, the cat's out...... Gopi has got cervical cancer. We are now in the phase of acceptance. They ran some tests today- a systoscopy - to see how far and where it may have spread. We should know by this evening or tomorrow what the damage is. Gopi is being brave and trying to take it all well. Apparently, cervical cancer is common in India. The doc told me that 6 out of 10 women with cancer have cervical cancer. Apparently, it is still high in India and reducing in the west because of early detection. So, the lesson to be learnt is all you women out there have your cervix checked!!! The doc says that it may have been developin over the last 10 years. Anyways, we are waiting on further info...

Second round (or is it the third)

Second round (or is it the third)

I have often heard the phrase that when it rains it pours. Now, living in Udupi is certainly an example of that with its almost incessant monsoon rains etc. However, on a personal side, I have been experiencing just that. Well, to be honest, Gopi's been experiencing it and I have been along for the ride.
Essentially, Gopi has been ill since mid Febuary 2007. Rather, she has had a series of illnesses since then. First, the foot, then the lungs (TB), then the surgery. Somehow, I've had a feeling that it's not over.
Then last week ( a week ago from today), I was in Chennai trying to get my passport renewed so that I could work on getting Gopi and the kids visas updated etc. and I get a call from Gopi saying that she was experiencing serious pain in her pelvic region and was losing blood.( She had been having a urinary problem for the last month. We saw a couple of Ayurvedic docs apart from the allopathic doctors who were treating her for her lung issues.) So, she went in to the hospital for a check up and to have some tests done. That was last monday. By friday, I get a call from Gopal (I think this is the first time he's used the phone by himself) saying that his Mom was seriously ill. Luckily for us, there were two south African devotees (Mayapur Chandra and his wife Suvarna Manjari - really wonderful, delightful devotees) who we had befriended over the last few weeks, who stopped by to check on Gopi.
Anyways, the word from them and Gopal was that Gopi was losing a lot of blood (from her vagina) that she had thrown up a couple of times and that she had lost consciousness (fainted) a couple of times too. They rushed her in an ambulance to the KMC hospital, where she was treated earlier. I was still in Chennai trying to convince the local honchos to release my passport (as things would be there was date problem on my passport of 10 years -- my DOB siad 15th instead of the 5th).
Well, anyways, Gopi was admitted to the hospital and yesterday thet gave her some blood because she had lost a lot and her haemoglobin was low.
The docs say that all signs are indicating that she has a malignant growth on her cervix. We won't have the results from the tests for the next few days - to know for sure if it is malignant or benign.
I would be lying to say fear has not crept into my heart and mind. When she had her lung problems in the last few months, obviously I was concerned, but this time I am worried serious. I have faith that Sri Krishna has his plan, and from a philsophical perspective I am trying to be sober and unaffected. But as good old Jim Morrison once said - the future's uncertain and the end is always near.....


So , dear friends, please keep Gopi in your prayers and wish for her (and us - the kids and me) that the storm will pass...

How to know if you're doing well (i.e healthy)

08 Aug 2007

how to know if you are doing well (i.e healthy) Well, actually, to know if you are ill (or not in the best health condition verging towards illness) which is a state called apakva (uncooked) here are a few pointers. In Ayurveda, when one's digestion is not functioning well (i.e you are pooping everyday) it is considered that one's digestive fire is low and therefore not digesting the food. The resultant state is calle Aama, which is undigested food, which in turn ends up accumulating in the body and being toxic. Aama is called considered uncooked, useless, etc Well here are some symptoms of ama. 1) tongue is coated (i.e even after cleaning/ scraping one's tongue there is still a whitish coating on it) 2) stool is smelly (well more than the usual smell, i.e as if something died in your intestines) 3) stool is sticky 4) stool does not float (good shit should float not sink. Also good poop should be cylindrical) 5) Bad body odour 6) Bad breath will add a few more next time

Panchakarma

12 Jul 2007

Panchakarma therapy So, last week or so, I enrolled in the Panchakarma therapist program at the Kasturba Medical Hospital. This is a one year program that trains one to work with an Ayurvedic doctor to treat patients. In other words, the doc diagnoses etc and the therapist is the hands on..... The first week has been for observing. We are in the room watching while a trained therapist performs/works on the patients. So far, it has been very interesting. I have observed simple full body massages, head massages, shirodhara -which is a process where oil or buttermilk is dripped onto the patients fore head for an hour (this is actually incredibly relaxing), rakta mokshana- where leeches are used to suck out impure blood from a patient, svedana - where steam is used to induce sweating either locally or full body, netra tarpana - where medicated ghee is held in place over the eyes while the patient opens and closes the eyes ( to improve eyesight or to just relax the eyes)and last but not the least the grand champ of panchakarma - basti - where medicated oil or teas are induced in through the anus ( a glorified enema). Well, believe it or not apparently 50% of ayurvedic treatments are based on basti, or rather it is said that 50% of diseases can be cured with basti. There is a different basti for different patients... anyways. Well, so much for whats stored in one's guts. Got to get the crap out, out , out.

Cheek Pinching

19 Jun 2007

cheek pinching Ok! I know it is not pinching someones butt, but Indians (do others do this?), or should I say some people in India, have this really annoying habit of pinching kids cheeks. Well, my experience has been mostly with regards to Vrinda. There are two kinds of people who fall in this category (1) absolute strangers and (2) people that we are familiar with. (1) Many a time, we may be walking down the road or squeezing past someone at a store etc and a person would reach out and pinch Vrinda's cheeks. An absolute stranger! the nerve. At first, it used to irk the heck out of me and I would think of reaching out and pinching that person's cheek. (I mean is a child just some object that someone can express their appreciation of cuteness on?)My blood would boil and I would do my best to just calmly react to the situation. Some time later that day or the next the same situation ensues again - another stranger! I would have to go about picnching a nation of cheek pinchers to teach them how to behave. So, I have got into the habit of being vigilant to grab Vrinda out of the way when my cheek piching sensors go up and I sense one of them coming along. I have also taught Vrinda to put her hands over her cheeks defensively. (2) the other category is persons who we are familiar with doing the cheek pinching. Usually waiters at restaurants that we frequent. sure these are nice guys , who we are friendly with etc. still it irks me. Well, less than when strangers do it. I still try to pull her out of the way or try and stop the pinchers hand. Nasty habit.

Bananas

bananas

Life in small town, small city India is still quite charming. Sure, there is the thrash lying around, the smell of stool in the air, cows wandering about etc. But, the charm is in the still slow speed of life. People still have time for each other. Another thing that could be a draw back is that you recognise people - be it the lady selling vegetables at the street corner, the guy selling trinkets and hair clips that Vrinda wants to check out every time we walk by, the man selling pan (that he preparing at the street side), the fruit vendor and the pan handlers. Right across from where we are staying is a little dive that serves decent dosas etc. However, every morning right around 10 or so a band of kids, and some ladies carrying babies, attack vulnerable passer bys. They know who to go for. I am not in the habit of giving cash to kids - so I made it a point to buy them some fruit. These kids aren't starving because the temple which is about 50 meters away serves simple south indian fare to anyone, everyday. So, instead of change, bananas it is .

Caste ism

11 Jun 2007

caste ism The caste system is pretty strong here in Udupi. It is clearly viewed when it comes time to chow down, take prasad. There are separate areas where the brahmins and the rest eat. however, they serve two free meals to everyone - regular south Indian fare - rice, rasam, sambar and buttermilk, with a smitten of subji if you are lucky. Interestingly though, the brahmins serve everyone. I met an interesting brahmin here who says that he does not eat out at all and eats only at the temple and with brahmins (other than at home)

Still in Udupi

still in Udupi

Been hanging out in Udupi for the last few weeks. Staying at the guest house of the "Puthige Mutt", one of the 8 mutts (branches/temples) of the Sri Krishna Mutt started by Sripad Madhvacharya.
Well, been doing nothing really. Well, eating and the rest ... irregualr visits to the three local temples - Sri Chrandramouleshwar, Sri Anantheshwar and Sri Krishna- which are adjacent to each other.
Gopi's health has been improving slowly. The kids have been great. Naturally (is it natural?) we have some trying moments because we spend all our time together.
Really appreciate of this nice devotee Shirmani dasi, a local medical student at Kasturba Medical College (KMC). Her friendship has been inspiring to Gopi, the kids and me.
Met Manu Suta Das, a disciple of Srila Prabhupada, a couple of times at woodlands, our local eating haunt. Nice food. Manu is a cool dude- he takes care of the Varavan farm, which we haven't visited yet.
Met Tejiyas Das, another Prabhupada disciple, old Delhi pres -from the 70's, and a resident of Udupi for the last few years.
Otherwise, it seems like we are waiting .....
oh ! spent some time with Prem Niddhi, a resident of the Bhaktivedanta eco village, the other day. Actually ran into him at "woodlands" a couple of times.
Thinking of staying here for an extended period....went looking for apartments etc for the last couple of days. saw one I liked, but someone else got it. I guess, it had to be.

welcome e friend and roadmate

Life is like one long road. Well, for some it may seem not so long (since it may end quickly or prematurely) as some say. But, if one takes into account the distinct possibility of reincarnation, then it is not so short. Really, is it?
Well, I am glad that you've come to join me ever so briefly in this space/time conundrum - utilizing your valuable time to see what i have to say or what is going on in my sojourn through life.
thank you. I am honored.